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Friday December 26th, 2014



A few days ago, I made a terrible mistake then repeated that mistake again. I have all understanding about why I did it and what I need to do for it never to happen again. But just a moment ago, I almost forgot my reasoning at the time of the crisis therefore It is important to write it down for future reference.

I had sex with a cheap prositute, and the condom broke twice and I have been feeling anxious for the few past days worrying about whether I could have contracted an STDs. Although I heard the condom breaking and pulled out immediately still I am worried, and this is not the first time it has happened to me, and I have had many tests in the past and I am clean so far. But I can not keep playing with my life this way.

It is dificult to understand why I would have sex with a prostitute at that very point in time. Usually my romantic relationships always acts as trigger that would push me into such actions. But just the day before my girlfriend had paid me a visit and we had great sex together and we had no trouble going on between me and her. The problem seems to be placed elsewhere and I think that I might have just figured that out. I have been watching porn hell of lot, in the past few weeks, and my tolerance is getting higher, and I have been needing more and more of it.

When i got home from an evening with my girlfriend and her family, I remember feeling used by her because according to me she had been nice all day just so that I can give her and her family a ride to the wedding they wanted to attend; dispite the fact that she did her best to be as nice to me as much as possible. And I watched porn, but It wouldn't do me any good. So later that night I got into my car and drove to a night club, where I met with a prostitute, took her to a hotel room and had sex with her.

I am going to need to get tested for STDs within 30 days now. But the most important to me is to understand the dynamics that lead me to doing that. First of all is the excessive porn that would make it increasingly hard for me to get sexual pleasure and the feeling of being unloved from my girlfriend, and the search of excitement to regulate that emotion of abandonment.

I had a few questions to answer when all ill was done. I did not really feel guilty after having sex with that prostitute, I felt rather guilty because the condom broke, and it did because I couldn't ejaculate since I had been watching porn too much and I kept pushing and pushing.

Worse of this all, is that the day after I had sex with the prostitute my girlfriend decided she would pay me a visit, and we had sex;  And I don't even feel any guilty for doing that, it almost feel as if I punished her because I believe that she was to blame for my behavior and that she diserves what is happening to her.

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