A few days ago, I made a terrible mistake then repeated that mistake
again. I have all understanding about why I did it and what I need to
do for it never to happen again. But just a moment ago, I almost
forgot my reasoning at the time of the crisis therefore It is
important to write it down for future reference.
I had sex with a cheap prositute, and the condom broke twice and I
have been feeling anxious for the few past days worrying about
whether I could have contracted an STDs. Although I heard the condom
breaking and pulled out immediately still I am worried, and this is
not the first time it has happened to me, and I have had many tests
in the past and I am clean so far. But I can not keep playing with my
life this way.
It is dificult to understand why I would have sex with a prostitute
at that very point in time. Usually my romantic relationships always
acts as trigger that would push me into such actions. But just the
day before my girlfriend had paid me a visit and we had great sex
together and we had no trouble going on between me and her. The
problem seems to be placed elsewhere and I think that I might have
just figured that out. I have been watching porn
hell of lot, in the past few weeks, and my tolerance is getting higher, and I have
been needing more and more of it.
When i got home from an evening with my girlfriend and her family, I
remember feeling used by her because according to me she had been
nice all day just so that I can give her and her family a ride to the wedding they wanted to attend; dispite the fact that she did her best
to be as nice to me as much as possible. And I watched porn, but It wouldn't do me any good. So later that night I got into
my car and drove to a night club, where I met with a prostitute, took
her to a hotel room and had sex with her.
I am going to need to get tested for STDs within 30 days now. But the
most important to me is to understand the dynamics that lead me to
doing that. First of all is the excessive porn that
would make it increasingly hard for me to get sexual pleasure and the
feeling of being unloved from my girlfriend, and the search of
excitement to regulate that emotion of abandonment.
I had a few questions to answer when all ill was done. I did not
really feel guilty after having sex with that prostitute, I felt
rather guilty because the condom broke, and it did because I couldn't
ejaculate since I had been watching porn too much and I kept pushing
and pushing.
Worse of this all, is that the day after I had sex with the
prostitute my girlfriend decided she would pay me a visit, and we had sex;
And I don't even feel any guilty for doing that, it almost feel as if
I punished her because I believe that she was to blame for my behavior
and that she diserves what is happening to her.
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