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Ghosts of the past




When i was 22, i met with a 20 years old girl with whom i would have that first true relationship. I had been with girls before but with none of them have i actually had a true relationship. I met her at a swimming pool, and for the first few months,  i had never been more happier, and it showed. Quoting some of my coworkers at the time, i had stars shining in my eyes and they could all tell that i had a special someone that was brightening my mood.

She was the first one that i could actually call my girlfriend and that called me her boyfriend. We spent so much time together and i had never felt more happy in my life. Everything was perfect, she was perfect to me. And at the time i did not know that i had Borderline Personality Disorder; I definitely knew something was wrong with me but i did not know what exactly.

We went out with her almost every week end and the joy and excitement  i was getting from this made me careless about the money; a few months passed, and things started falling apart. Before i realized it,  my bank account dried up, and was totally broke and could barely afford taking her out or enjoying the kind of lifestyle we had come to get used to; for a few weeks we did not meet, but things got better and the money started flowing again, and i resumed my exaggerated relationship with my girlfriend.

And then one day tragedy stroke. I still remember it as if it was yesterday; We were at a hotel after an evening of drink and sex; don't know how it occurred to me to look through her phone, something i never did before, or even thought of doing. I went through her messages and realized she was having an affair with another boy. Well i did not actually realize it as she pulled out a crazy lie that i chose to believe. But things would never be the same again, i started getting suspicious of her every move, acting crazy insecure one day, nice and calm the next, and so on. This roller-coaster went on for months, into the first and second year of our relationship; total unrest  i must say. I would lose sleep, yell on her, make her cry so many times, blame her for the past even a past before we met, judged her so harshly to the point she kept shutting down from me, until eventually she was completely and irreversibly turned off by me, needless to say we went our separate ways.

But i had gotten so involved with her and her family we are still in touch even today. Which takes me to my point. Just yesterday 2 years after our breakup i received a call from her, she reminded me of all the frustration she had to go through with me and how awful i was to her, even though i have apologized many times and she accepted my apologies, but somehow it has resurfaced for her and it seems as if she is now blaming me for something i don't seem to quite understand.

After the time i spent with this girl,  she has come to understand that i was not well in my mind, she is the only one that truly knows my secret; But why she is bringing this all back up, is still a mystery to me and for the past 48 hours i have been obsessing over it, trying to understand what could be her motivations.

I believe that she hates me for what i am (borderline) and her knowing that i have had another girlfriend after her, kind of makes her feel bad, she called me hypocrite for hiding my true nature to the girls i had after her as if she wanted me to be exposed as the crazy borderline freak that she thinks i am.

During our phone call she mentioned that my future girlfriends should always be grateful to her for taking all the shit i had to offer and becoming the better man that i am today, which i believe is more than true. She wants to meet me next Friday for a drink; After giving it a lot of thoughts, i have decided it was not such a good idea to meet with her as she really seem to be out for some sort of revenge. I have been feeling pretty insecure and distressed about her bringing up all the nasty shit from our past, but it is getting better and better now, i think i should stop answering her texts and phone calls since it seems she hates the facts that i have been changing for the better after making her cry so much.


P.S : JUST SO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER TRULY IS, I AM ACTUALLY ENJOYING THE IDEA THAT SHE COULD BE SO MAD AND INSECURE ABOUT ME AFTER SO MANY YEARS. I KNOW SHE HATES ME AND WANT TO HURT ME, BUT I AM OUT OF HER REACH AND OVER HER, AND IT FEELS REALLY GOOD, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT SHOULDN'T. 

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