In love with a narcicistic girlfriend

Two days ago my girlfriend decided to make me jealous and suggested that she was in communication with one of my friends, which used to try to date her long before we got to know each other. We were in the car, I was helping her and her friend move around town, and she said she was going to call my friend and ask some information to him, which she did, but he did not pick the phone.

It is not the first time she makes such suggestions to me forcing me to believe that there might be something going on between the two of them, I try to keep it to myself but deep inside it really drives me crazy. This week end was awfull. Trigers seems to have waken up from everyside, trying to disturb me; and unfortunatly for me they seem to have reached their objective.

At one point I got into my car and drove without knowing where exactly I was going, whith all these sucidal thought wondering arround in my head; I was actually thinking of driving my car into a wall or something the emotion was simply too intense, when I imagined that my girlfriend could be having an affair with my best friend; I needed to take revenge on her to make myself feel better; Which I did a few minutes later when she called my phone and I did not answer, and when I did it was only to lie to her, and tell her that I was not home, in an effort to make her as jealous as she was making me feel; it worked. She wanted to meet me and right after she came from school, took a bike to my place, I had carefully made sure she would not find me home, just to make her upset, and again it worked. She got really insecure and upset, and secretly I felt better in the inside. It gave me a sense of power over her feelings, thinking that I could manipulate them just by playing some passive aggressive tricks helped calm my own feelings down.

She was almost in tears asking me how I could do that to her, and I was hypocritically appologizing, eventually she calmed down, I undressed her and we made love. Everything was fine that night, but trouble was not passed, as came the next day with her own needs for revenge.

Sunday morning came with me calling my sweetheart asking her to go pass her exam as she had asked me to do the night before. After her exam was done, she took a bike to my place and we spent the day together. Amazingly she kept making suggestions to me that she had some secret business going on with my bestfriend, and frankly I must say some of the details she was revealing to me, was quite convincing, like she knwew where he was the night before and other stuff like that. Inside of me of course was a battle of various feelings that I was somehow strugling not to show, but I think she knew. I hate that bitch.

The thing I hate the most about her, is that she seem to be having pleasure in seing me hurt. But when I look back it is exactly the same thing that also give me pleasure. So I really can not find a way of reconciling our two positions, as eventually she has to win the Game of emotional control, since she is not the sick one, I am.

So no matter what; wining the game can not be my objective, but if not which shall it be?

Borderline Personality Disorder is like that, always giving you choices between extremes that are all detrimental to your own stability. Shall I stay with a person which only pleasure is in seing me hurt and humiliated? Or shall I leave that person and be left with the unbearable loneliness?

I sometimes think that I know the solution to this problem, The key is not to repress any of these two logical potential outcome, because I believe that to my inner mind these are not anomalies, but the outcome of logical computing, and no matter what the answer to this question might be it should be satifactory to both the need to leave, and the need to stay. When the thoughts of “I need to leave” Come to me, I always look arround and notice that the person in question is not there to begin with, so technicaly I already left “I am not with her no”. When the tought of “I need to stay” comes to me, I always remember that it is just a matter of hours before I talk to and,or see that person again. So “I am leaving” and “Staying” at the same time, and it works, my mind comes at peace.

So going back to My girlfriend, I did not make any reaction or comment to her provocations until later when she went to bathroom after we had sex, I took her phone and she surprised me going throug it; I trhoug it beside the bed and tried to pretend like nothing was going on, but she had seen me and my insecurity and this was the first time after 8 months of relationship, she kept quite but I knew that she knew; I had to come up with a lie to attempt to coverup; “Somebody was calling you” I said. AND I pretended I was jealous of her latest caller, when In reality I was checking to see if she had been in touch over the phone with my best friend; which unfortunatly was also true, several time they talked together, and my traitor friend never mentioned it to me. And as I am writing these lines my mood keep changing minute after minute from high hopes to low dispair, and it has been going on for hours now, and frankly this is very exhausting.

I am willing to stick to my girfriend, no matter how badly I think that she acts to me, I simply can not ignore my disease and she in reality is the only true friend that I got. When I think about it, what am I losing? Except from my dignity. But I have not much left to lose, because I spent the first half of my life destroying it. Another reason is that I simply refuse to make a decision while I am in such a mood.

About bpdfolk

This is a short description in the author block about the author. You edit it by entering text in the "Biographical Info" field in the user admin panel.

0 commentaires:

Enregistrer un commentaire