Two days ago my girlfriend decided to make me jealous and suggested that she
was in communication with one of my friends, which used to try to
date her long before we got to know each other. We were in the car,
I was helping her and her friend move around town, and she said she
was going to call my friend and ask some information to him, which
she did, but he did not pick the phone.
It is not the first time she makes such suggestions to me forcing me
to believe that there might be something going on between the two of
them, I try to keep it to myself but deep inside it really drives me
crazy. This week end was awfull. Trigers seems to have waken up from
everyside, trying to disturb me; and unfortunatly for me they seem to
have reached their objective.
At one point I got into my car and drove without knowing where
exactly I was going, whith all these sucidal thought wondering
arround in my head; I was actually thinking of driving my car into a
wall or something the emotion was simply too intense, when I imagined
that my girlfriend could be having an affair with my best friend; I
needed to take revenge on her to make myself feel better; Which I did
a few minutes later when she called my phone and I did not answer,
and when I did it was only to lie to her, and tell her that I was not
home, in an effort to make her as jealous as she was making me feel;
it worked. She wanted to meet me and right after she came from
school, took a bike to my place, I had carefully made sure she would
not find me home, just to make her upset, and again it worked. She
got really insecure and upset, and secretly I felt better in the
inside. It gave me a sense of power over her feelings, thinking that
I could manipulate them just by playing some passive aggressive
tricks helped calm my own feelings down.
She was almost in tears asking me how I could do that to her, and I
was hypocritically appologizing, eventually she calmed down, I
undressed her and we made love. Everything was fine that night, but
trouble was not passed, as came the next day with her own needs for
revenge.
Sunday morning came with me calling my sweetheart asking her to go
pass her exam as she had asked me to do the night before. After her
exam was done, she took a bike to my place and we spent the day
together. Amazingly she kept making suggestions to me that she had
some secret business going on with my bestfriend, and frankly I must
say some of the details she was revealing to me, was quite
convincing, like she knwew where he was the night before and other
stuff like that. Inside of me of course was a battle of various
feelings that I was somehow strugling not to show, but I think she
knew. I hate that bitch.
The thing I hate the most about her, is that she seem to be having
pleasure in seing me hurt. But when I look back it is exactly the
same thing that also give me pleasure. So I really can not find a way
of reconciling our two positions, as eventually she has to win the
Game of emotional control, since she is not the sick one, I am.
So no matter what; wining the game can not be my objective, but if
not which shall it be?
Borderline Personality Disorder is like that, always giving you
choices between extremes that are all detrimental to your own
stability. Shall I stay with a person which only pleasure is in seing
me hurt and humiliated? Or shall I leave that person and be left with
the unbearable loneliness?
I sometimes think that I know the solution to this problem, The key
is not to repress any of these two logical potential outcome, because
I believe that to my inner mind these are not anomalies, but the
outcome of logical computing, and no matter what the answer to this
question might be it should be satifactory to both the need to leave,
and the need to stay. When the thoughts of “I need to leave” Come
to me, I always look arround and notice that the person in question
is not there to begin with, so technicaly I already left “I am not
with her no”. When the tought of “I need to stay” comes to me,
I always remember that it is just a matter of hours before I talk to
and,or see that person again. So “I am leaving” and “Staying”
at the same time, and it works, my mind comes at peace.
So going back to My girlfriend, I did not make any reaction or
comment to her provocations until later when she went to bathroom
after we had sex, I took her phone and she surprised me going throug
it; I trhoug it beside the bed and tried to pretend like nothing was
going on, but she had seen me and my insecurity and this was the
first time after 8 months of relationship, she kept quite but I knew
that she knew; I had to come up with a lie to attempt to coverup;
“Somebody was calling you” I said. AND I pretended I was jealous
of her latest caller, when In reality I was checking to see if she
had been in touch over the phone with my best friend; which
unfortunatly was also true, several time they talked together, and my
traitor friend never mentioned it to me. And as I am writing these
lines my mood keep changing minute after minute from high hopes to low
dispair, and it has been going on for hours now, and frankly this is
very exhausting.
I am willing to stick to my girfriend, no matter how badly I think
that she acts to me, I simply can not ignore my disease and she in
reality is the only true friend that I got. When I think about it,
what am I losing? Except from my dignity. But I have not much left to
lose, because I spent the first half of my life destroying it.
Another reason is that I simply refuse to make a decision while I am
in such a mood.
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