
I couldnât sleep last night. Though I tried to close my eyes, I couldnât stop my brain from processing the negativity Iâve felt in more than 50 years of life. I did everything I could to close the floodgates, from meditation to relaxation techniques to trying to focus on other things, but nothing would make the thoughts go away. The thoughts started out in my younger years and worked their way up to the past few days.
I grew up in suburban Orange County, CA as part of a nuclear family, the oldest of two boys three years and three days apart. My parents were married for 46 years before my dad passed away from colon cancer 17 years ago, and we had a white cockapoo named Snowball. It all sounds pretty normal, and on the surface, it is, but thereâs always more to the story than what first appears.
Self-esteem has never been my friend. Iâve tried to make friends with it and for short periods of time Iâve managed to feel good about aspects of my life, but in the big picture? Itâs been in the toilet for as long as I can remember.
I donât have a lot of memories from my childhood and what I do remember isnât the most awesome. It wasnât horrible, but it wasnât great. The rejection I experienced was almost all verbal abuse and being told that I was âstupid,â âlazy,â âweird,â and that I wouldnât achieve my potential. I heard these things not once, but multiple times, from authority figures in all aspects of my life. It hurt then and it hurts now.
I was talking with my psychologist about this earlier today. He pointed out that things from our childhood often stick with us more than our adult experiences, and that the rejection and trauma we experience in our early years can have a significant impact on our adult lives. Heâs right about that.
Keep in mind I grew up in a time before autism was regularly diagnosed in kids, as Iâm sure many of you reading this also did. We didnât know we were on the spectrum, we just thought we were weird, strange, odd, or different. No matter what word you use, the pain of feeling rejected for being who you are and not being able to do anything about it is real and can be intense.
Iâve experienced a significant amount of rejection as an adult from family, co-workers, employers, friends, significant others, and various other people in my life. I live with pain from those experiences, and the buildup of that along with the childhood trauma from rejection has led to low self-esteem, days when I feel beyond depressed and has sometimes left me wondering whatâs wrong with me.
Thereâs nothing wrong with me and thereâs nothing wrong with any of us who have experienced similar things.
Recently, I posted something on Twitter about rejection and the pain associated with it. I was surprised at the response I received. Numerous people chimed in about the rejection they had experienced in their lives and how it had hurt them and still does. While it was nice to know Iâm not alone in feeling hurt by rejection, itâs tough to realize just how many of my fellow adults on the spectrum experience the same thing I do.
From family to friendships, relationships, and work problems, rejection is everywhere. The stories are intense and theyâre painful.
Some said they would rather be alone than spend time around people simply because they donât âactâ autistic enough to neurotypicals (NT) when struggling with things in their day to day life. This causes them to spend most of their time alone because they would rather be lonely than feel rejected by the people in their life.
Others, like me, have lost long-term friendships because one day one of our autistic traits comes out, the friend(s) get disappointed in you and they bail. Itâs not as if they have never disappointed us in any way, right?
Many struggle to find romantic relationships with neurotypicals because the NT canât look past our quirks to see who we really are inside. Making a first impression with someone youâre interested in romantically can be challenging and stressful because weâre trying to be ourselves, but weâre also trying to be what the other person expects us to be.
Many wonât give an adult with autism a chance to show who they really are because all they see is the superficial. If you are lucky enough to get past a first date and actually get a second date or somehow start a relationship with someone not on the spectrum, you can feel constant pressure to not screw things up.
Often, youâll feel like everything negative that happens in the relationship is your fault and you think the neurotypical will see it that way. From my experience with dating women off the spectrum, itâs only a matter of time before you get rejected simply for being your authentic, autistic self.
Too often we look inward to see what we did wrong because we just assume itâs our fault. After all, weâre the one who is different, right? Therefore, it must be our fault.
Wrong.
We are who we are and thereâs absolutely nothing wrong with us. Weâre autistic adults, but first and foremost, weâre people, just like everyone else. Our brains may be wired differently, and we may act and react in ways those not on the spectrum canât understand, but that doesnât mean thereâs anything wrong with us.
According to Dictionary.com, neurodiversity is defined as âthe range of differences in individual brain function and behavioral traits, regarded as part of normal variation in the human population (used especially in the context of autistic spectrum disorders).â
The reality is that everyone experiences rejection, no matter the makeup of their brain. Rejection is universal and it hurts, no matter who you are.
Until the neurotypical population, those with neurologically typical brains, can see the autism community for who we are and learn to accept us, we will always have to deal with a certain amount of rejection for being who we are. That sucks, but itâs our current reality.
I believe what we need more than autism awareness is autism acceptance. Once we can achieve that (probably not in our lifetimes), only then will some of our rejection simply for being autistic go away.
source https://www.programage.com/news/Reflecting_on_Rejection_in_My_Life_on_the_Autism_Spectrum_1595466014684551.html
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