
Over the past few weeks, due to a large number of different circumstances and situations in my life, Iâve been receiving a lot of compliments and affirmations from those close to me. Iâve always hated people complimenting me, and I know there are others who feel the same way. But for the longest time, I never really understood why. I always figured it was because I was being put on the spot. And while that is a factor, Iâve realized over the past couple of days that isnât the real story.
Now, one note I need to say. When people compliment me, I always appreciate the kind words because I know they come from a good place. I also donât really associate with people who are flatterers, so I know that most of those around me wouldnât just say things to make me feel good. But hereâs the thing.
The real reason I hate compliments: theyâre lies to me. Now, that might sound strange based on what I just said, but hear me out. I know the people around me arenât lying to me when they compliment or affirm me in something. But when I hear the words, I just canât accept them as being true, because Iâve never seen those traits and characteristics in myself. Some of the most common compliments Iâve gotten over the past few days are along the lines of:
Youâre so strong and passionate.
You have such a good heart, and youâre such a good person.
You are a role model to so many people, and you have such a bright future ahead of you.
When I hear things like these, my stomach just twists and turns in funny ways I canât explain. It also hurts my head because I simply canât understand those words being associated with me. I guess the best way to explain this feeling is an example.
Iâm a neuroscience major in college right now, and so I have to deal with a lot of math (unfortunately), so the best example I can come up with is a simple math problem. Letâs say a world-renowned math scholar came to you one day and made the statement âtwo plus two equals five.â How would you respond? Youâre in no position to tell this person anything about math, but everything you know tells you that two plus two equals four. And it would create a lot of conflict too. Everything complicated in math (and believe me, it gets complicated) is still founded on the same math basics we learned in elementary school. So if this person who is clearly very familiar with the most complex mathematic ideas and theories is making any kind of statement about math, how could you possibly reconcile that in your head?
Well, thatâs sort of what itâs like for me when I get compliments. When sometime tells me Iâm a role model to them, who am I to say âno, Iâm not?â When someone tells me Iâm strong and brave and passionate, what do I do if everything inside me tells me that isnât true?
When I look in the mirror, I donât see a role model. I donât see someone strong and brave and passionate. I donât see someone who deserves compliments.
But what is that founded in? Iâve learned itâs founded in my own negative self-image of myself. The mirror shows me someone who isnât worthy to be a role model, someone who doesnât deserve the label of strength, someone who isnât worth people complimenting.
I would be willing to bet a lot of people feel this same way: compliments make them uncomfortable, because they just canât believe they are true. But you know what else Iâve learned? The mirror can be an easy way to lie to myself, and it can make it easy to tear myself down. The mirror doesnât show everything either.
We know our own thoughts and feelings better than anyone else, but we donât always know the effects of our actions on others. That can be a bad thing, but it can also be a good thing. Our actions can help or harm people without us even knowing it. And just as much as we need to take responsibility for when our actions do lead to us hurting someone, we also have the right to accept when our actions have led to someone being uplifted or inspired. And you know what? We should accept it!
If youâve received a compliment from someone because of something youâve said or done, youâve earned it! Because it doesnât matter whether you meant to help someone with what you did, and it doesnât even matter if you think itâs a big deal. You helped someone, and they are telling you that you did.
So here is my challenge for everyone reading this, especially if you have difficulty receiving compliments too: if you get a compliment from someone, donât just thank them for it, but believe it! Believe you have done something good for the world, because you have. I will still struggle with this, likely for the rest of my life, but itâs not bad to know it consciously. Everyone needs to know their own inner worth and value, and one way to do this is recognizing when weâve done something worthy of a compliment, and believing that we have done something good.
I once heard a corny quote that I think would perfect finish this, and I honestly didnât think about it until just now. And I say corny, but in reality itâs true, empowering and I think could motivate a lot of people to strive to know their own self-worth and value:
You may not be able to change the whole world by helping one person. But by helping one person, youâve changed their whole world.Â
source https://www.programage.com/news/Realizing_My_Self-Worth_Is_Tied_to_Why_Compliments_Make_Me_Uncomfortable_1596481226783669.html
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