
The other day I treated myself to a much-needed and long-awaited massage (obviously with the masseuse wearing a mask). While I was lying there, I thought about why Iâd put this off for so long. My first thought was my finances, as Iâve never made much money. But as pondered the whys, I realized there was also something else much more thought-provoking.
I love touch. Itâs my main âlove language.â I remember crying at my first massage after my prolonged separation/divorce because I had so little touch in my life after my ex left. I didnât date much because I wanted to focus on my daughter and my career, so massages were the only lengthy times I got to experience that craved touch. So at first, I easily justified the expense.
Then money got much tighter â and as time passed it got even tighter. My ex stopped paying child support. My daughter and I both had a lot of medical expenses. Massages were now considered a luxury. Even though they still fulfilled a basic need in my book, I wouldnât schedule them due to other needs I felt had much higher priority.
Several times through the years when I decided to try once again to lose weight, I decided I could kill two birds with one stone â making that desired massage a reward for losing x-number of pounds.
But the thing was⦠I was never able to get that reward.
Not once, over the course of many years.
Itâ¦Neverâ¦Happened.
Even though it was one of my most enjoyed self-care elements and it fulfilled a need that nothing else could at the time, it never happened. I wanted a massage so badly. So why could I accomplish so much in life, but never could make myself lose even a little weight in order to get something I so desperately desired?
Since then, Iâve learned so much about why. I realized Iâm a food addict/compulsive overeater. One of the main tenets of addiction is that no amount of willpower and no punishment/reward in and of itself will provide lasting change. So that was one reason why I could never get to that place.
But somehow I felt there was more involved.
Fast forward to this past weekend⦠lying on that table, thinking about all this. I recognized there was more involved in this issue that just being an addict didnât include. Then I had the thought, âIâm glad I did this, even though I havenât lost weight or done anything to deserve it.â
The lightbulb went off â I didnât âneedâ to do anything to âdeserveâ it.
The real reason I didnât get a massage during those lean years was I didnât feel worthy of spending time and money on myself. I could have come up with the money to pay for it if I really wanted. I thought I had to perform (which, in this situation, meant losing weight) to justify the time and expense⦠to make myself âworthy.â
One huge struggle during my addiction recovery journey is Iâm loved the way I am. Though I am trying to recognize that who I am isnât defined by what I do, I still donât believe it in my heart.
Every time I fail, thereâs more shame⦠thereâs more heartache⦠thereâs more confirmation Iâll never be able to do this (recover and reach a reasonable weight). Every time I lose a reward I set up for myself these feelings are magnified and flood over me â and I feel even less worthy.
In fact, using punishment when I fail doesnât help because itâs what I already think I deserveâ¦Â all the time. I am so full of ever-present shame because I got myself into this mess that I punish myself daily â even when Iâm experiencing success in my recovery battle. That punishment takes many forms, but mostly itâs by things like not buying clothes that look good on me because I feel I donât deserve to have them. (I also feel I donât deserve to be happy â possibly one reason for my overwhelming depression â but thatâs something to ponder more later.)
However, what I realized is maybe I need to do those types of activities because I already am worthy⦠even if Iâm not able to obtain one full day of abstinence from my eating addiction, even if Iâm not successful at my career at the moment and even if I feel like no matter how hard I try, Iâll never make a difference in this world.
I am worth spending time and money and effort on myself because I am me⦠and I donât need another reason.
Another awareness from this idea is that maybe Iâve had it wrong all these years (actually, I know Iâve had it all wrong all these years â this is what got me into this mess). Iâve had it backward.
Part of the reason I am so overweight is due to not feeling I am worth enough to put the time, effort and money into eating in a healthy way and exercising regularly. So feeling worthy enough to treat myself to a massage when I need it could be a big reminder that Iâm also worthy enough to work the 12-steps and do everything else included in eating disorder recovery.
Then one day, chances are good that abstinence will come â not because I used rewards when I lost a few pounds or punished myself by not allowing myself nice things (like good clothes) when I didnât. But because I learned my worthiness doesnât come from performance.
And though my plan is to continue on this lifelong journey of recovery, I must remember that even if I never reach my goal weight⦠I am worthy no matter what.
source https://www.programage.com/news/Why_Reward-Based_Systems_Don_t_Work_For_Me_As_a_Food_Addict_1598101215787845.html
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