
I was 15 years old when I first attempted suicide. I sat in the dark with a handful of medication and downed one after the other. Abuse, rejection, depression and anxiety, all contributed and culminated in me deciding, after years of struggling, that it simply wasnât worth it anymore.
It wasnât worth it to wake up, only to wish all day that I wasnât there.
It wasnât worth it to keep fighting to feel OK, when nothing around me was. It wasnât worth it to explain my pain to people who were committed to misunderstanding me.
The black hole I was in felt like an eternal sentence to the pits of hell and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. There was no reassurance that life would get better. There was no belief that there was another side, that Iâd ever get there or there was anything on the other end of this pain that could possibly make enduring it be worth it.
I woke up the next morning and felt nothing but crushing disappointment the moment my eyes opened and I realized I survived and was still living in the exact same darkness I was trying so hard to escape from. It wasnât the last time I would try to leave this world, but oh how thankful I am that my life was spared.
Hereâs the thing friend⦠I know the pain youâre feeling. I know youâre sitting in the dark, and a voice keeps whispering that youâll never see the light of day again. I know youâve fought harder than anyone could possibly know to feel better and itâs been so long that you are thoroughly convinced life will feel this bad forever. I know the healing almost hurts worse than the wound does and it seems so much easier to just give up. I know every day you wake up to a battlefield in your mind and youâre tired of fighting.
But as much as I know how bad life can hurt, I know how beautiful it can be when you heal. These are the things I only know because I held on through the countless years of hell.
I know one day youâll find the peace youâve fought so hard for.
I know one day youâll allow yourself to hope for something good.
I know one day your purpose will be revealed through your pain.
I know one day youâll tell your story and it will move mountains.
I know one day youâll be put back together and all the broken pieces will be a beautiful testament to your survival.
I know one day youâll thrive, instead of just getting by.
I know one day, youâll find something that gives you joy.
I know one day youâll wake up and you wonât be disappointed⦠youâll smile.
I know that living may seem too hard right now, but I promise you no storm lasts forever. I also know that you wonât believe me right now, so Iâm going to believe for you that life gets better. Iâm going to keep advocating for your life and begging you to stay, because one day it will be worth it.
This week is National Suicide Prevention Week, but it remains my daily goal to convince others to keep holding on. If someone you know is contemplating suicide, please share this message with them. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please know this world needs you and call #1-800-273-8255 to speak with someone at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. I know it hurts, but healing is on the other side.
source https://www.programage.com/news/Confessions_of_a_Suicide_Attempt_Survivor_1599159614321048.html
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