
I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder type 2. I also have diagnoses of anxiety and ADHD (and probably obsessive-compulsive disorder too).
I feel like Iâm an example of someone who is living with bipolar disorder and also is âhigh-functioning.â I take my meds, I go to therapy, I exercise. I am religious about my sleep schedule. I go to work. Iâve worked full-time for over the past 20 years, and Iâm now working part-time.
But just because Iâm able to do all those things doesnât mean that I donât struggle. I struggle on a daily basis. And sometimes I get tired, of working, taking care of myself and trying to act like a real person in the world. And I am a real person.
I have good days â days when I feel like Iâm on top of the world. Like Iâm channeling joy. Not hypomanic, just happy. I know the difference now. These are days when work is easy and flies by. When my gratitude list is longer than my list of problems. When I notice the little details in the world that make it beautiful. I love those days. I wish I had more of them.
Then there are the gray days. When I barely manage to talk myself to get out of bed. When I need to call in sick. When I canât really move off the couch. When motivating myself to exercise isnât possible. This is the time when itâs hard to be high-functioning. Am I really having a bad day or just being lazy? Why do I still have bad days, when Iâm managing my condition well? I try (mostly) to eat well. I work out. I meditate. I go to therapy. I work so hard, and sometimes things are still difficult. This is what frustrates me. And itâs something that I have to live with. I never just lie in bed. It fuels my anxiety. Iâm never able to skip taking a shower. Taking one makes me feel sane, stable and healthy. And I want to feel that way.
I do know that bad days are a part of life, a part of having this condition, a part of being human. That doesnât make it any easier to deal with.
When the bad days come â and I want to give up (and I do sometimes), I turn towards self-care. I go get a massage. I get a pedicure. I go to the beach. I curl up with my cats, coffee and a good book. I nap. I write. I take a bath. I get outside. I try to make myself exercise, even a little. I realize that I am not my illness. I am not my illness. I use the DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) skills Iâve learned over the past year. I put one foot in front of the other. I do radical self-care.
Because itâs necessary for my survival, and it allows me the ability to continue to keep going. And to be high-functioning. Or at least appear to be. I donât have a neurotypical brain. But I find a way, somehow, to take care of myself, stay well, and to be a functioning member of society. Itâs what I want. While I donât work full-time, I do have a meaningful part-time job. And I intend to keep it.
Thatâs what it means to be high-functioning to me. Itâs sometimes one step forward and two steps backwards. And sometimes itâs two steps forward and one step back. But the important thing is to continue to keep moving forward. To be of this world, not simply in it. This helps to keep me well. And this is enough.
source https://www.programage.com/news/The_Struggle_Is_Real_to_Maintain__High-Functioning__Bipolar_Disorder_1601222414182046.html
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