
Unfortunately, there are many reasons people with anxiety donât reach out to friends, family, or other loved ones when their symptoms are acting up. As someone with anxiety, I can personally think of a bunch of reasons right off the top of my head.
You know whatâs not on that list?
A lack of caring.
The truth is, your friends with anxiety care about you very much. We probably really want to reach out to you and tell you everything. Weâre just ⦠scared. Thatâs what anxiety is, after all: Intense fear.
Weâre scared for lots of reasons, including the nine examples listed below. If youâre having trouble connecting with a friend struggling with anxiety, check out this list to understand what theyâre going through a bit better.
Try to be patient and understanding, and remember that most people with anxiety want nothing more than to not be anxious like this. We really canât help it, even if that doesnât make sense to you.
1. We literally canât speak.
I donât know if this is one of the most common reasons people with anxiety donât reach out, but itâs probably the number one culprit for me. Itâs hard to explain, but Iâm going to do my best because I know this can be really hard for people without anxiety to understand. Basically, when I get very, very anxious, my thoughts get ⦠sticky. Imagine your hands are covered in giant balls of duct tape, and then someone tries to have a sign language conversation with you. Itâs just not going to happen. Thatâs sort of what it feels like when I get too anxious to talk. Itâs like my thoughts are so jumbled and scared, I canât figure out what to say or how to say it and it all just gets stuck in my head.
2. We know we shouldnât be anxious about whatever weâre anxious about.
The thing about anxiety is that itâs very illogical, and a lot of the time, the person with anxiety knows that, making it all the more frustrating. We know itâs âsillyâ to be scared of making a phone call, we know itâs ridiculous to be worried that our husband of 10 years has secretly hated us this whole time, we know. But that doesnât stop the fear. So we donât say anything because we donât know how to have a productive conversation about something we know we shouldnât even be anxious about.
3. Weâve already reached out to you about this same fear so many times, weâre afraid youâre getting sick of us.
Another frustrating thing about anxiety is the repetition of it all. This is another one of the most popular reasons people with anxiety donât reach out because no matter how many times weâve been anxious about something in the past, we continue to be anxious about that thing. So, if Iâve reached out to you in the past about my diagnosis anxiety, I hesitate to reach out to you again, especially if itâs only a week or two later and the fears are back. I mean, thereâs nothing new to say, right? Iâm just being anxious and âcrazy,â as usual. (P.S. I am learning in therapy to speak to myself more kindly, but when Iâm anxious, this is usually what Iâm thinking.)
4. We just canât hit send.
Weâve typed out a message to you 18 times now, but every time, just before we hit send, we delete everything. Then five minutes later, we type out a new message and almost send it again ⦠but canât quite make ourselves actually reach out the way we so desperately want to. We might be afraid of your judgment or we might be afraid we sound âstupidâ or we might be afraid of bothering you, but regardless of why, we just canât hit send. Know that we really do want to reach out. Itâs just hard.
5. We feel like you didnât really care last time we reached out.
Now, Iâve definitely tried to open up about my anxiety to someone only to have them react poorly. But Iâve also opened up to people who were totally understanding and nice, but my anxiety picked up on small things in their body language or tone that made me believe they didnât care about me. To be honest, Iâm not sure what to do about this one. I canât help but pick up on those small things, and I really struggle to accept that those small changes might have nothing to do with me. Anxiety really is a bitch.
6. Weâve tried reaching out in the past and really did get a bad reaction.
Sometimes we read too much into a situation because of our anxiety, but other times, people really do react poorly when someone with anxiety tries to reach out. This is even more likely to be a very real problem for trauma survivors. A lot of the time, people with anxiety are afraid of scenarios that are wildly unlikely because of cognitive distortions, but sometimes weâre afraid of something because itâs already happened, and that makes that fear all the more powerful.
7. Weâre drowning in self-loathing.
There are many reasons people with anxiety donât reach out, but this one might be the most painful. Sometimes anxiety transforms into self-loathing, a complete and total hatred of ourselves, and we donât see any point in reaching out to anyone because we are so unbelievably worthless. We hate ourselves so much, we canât even fathom talking to someone and asking for support, because we donât really think we deserve it.
8. Weâre embarrassed.
Look, no one wants to be scared of these things that everyone else seems to do without a care in the world. No one wants to be a âfraidy-cat,â a âcoward, âa âweakling.â Weâre embarrassed, OK? Even if you arenât thinking those things about us, at the end of the day, one of the main reasons people with anxiety donât reach out is because weâre scared of things we know we âshouldnâtâ be, and itâs hard to not be embarrassed about it.
9. Weâre using avoidance to cope with our anxiety.
Sometimes, we donât reach out to you because weâre desperately trying not to reach inward. Weâre running from our fears by staying busy, by not thinking, by letting the anxiety run in the background. If we open up to you, the floodgates will break. We might break, and we might not be able to put ourselves back together. Even though avoidance isnât a great coping mechanism, sometimes itâs all weâve got.
If you relate to any of the reasons on this list, you arenât alone. You arenât âcrazy.â The fear you feel is real and terrifying, and I feel for you. If you love someone with anxiety, I hope this list has helped you understand some of the reasons people with anxiety donât reach out, even when they want to. We really do care about you, itâs just that sometimes our fear takes us over.
A version of this article was previously published on the authorâs blog, Healing Unscripted.
source https://www.programage.com/news/9_Common_Reasons_People_With_Anxiety_Don_t_Reach_Out_1605718814550107.html
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