
Iâm going to be very blunt with you; it wouldnât be fair to you if I wasnât. I am not in a good place right now. Just, not at all. I am not exaggerating when I say that none of the medications I am on are working. I am not exaggerating when I say I am having the biggest swing into depression that I have ever had. I am not exaggerating when I say nothing in my life right now seems to be working out. Iâm tired (physically and emotionally), Iâm feeling alone, Iâve lost hope, Iâm experiencing my first heartbreak in terms of a romantic relationship I was really excited about, my future is so uncertain and completely out of my hands. Right now, life isnât a pretty picture for me.
I have very few people in my life that I can vent to about things like this. But even before, when I did talk to them, it made me feel better. Now, it doesnât even seem like venting and talking things out works anymore. My chest hurts with the pain Iâm experiencing, a pain I shouldnât be going through.
Itâs a pain of internal struggle. Itâs a pain that wonât be solved with over-the-counter pain relievers or Band-Aids. Itâs a pain that is beyond words. It hurts, and it hurts so much, and I canât do anything about it.
And you know what? I donât have the luxury of even trying to do anything about it. Iâm a full-time college student, so I have classes to deal with. I have a job I need to support myself. I work in a research lab as an assistant. I donât have time to try to fix these problems. And that is the problem.
During the day, I run on pure âthis needs to get doneâ energy. I just go into work mode. But when I come home, when I put my homework away, and I just sit, alone, itâs like Iâm getting stabbed in the heart. Itâs like something has just gripped onto my life and is squeezing it like a balloon until it pops.
Why am I telling you all this? Itâs not to complain, it isnât to garner pity, it isnât for anything other than this: For those of you who struggle with major depressive disorder (MDD), bipolar disorder or anything else that could bring you into depression, Iâd be willing to bet you can understand some of these feelings. I hope you read that and saw yourself in some of it, because you know that youâre not alone in being in a place where you just canât express what it feels like. People who have never experienced depression or any kind of mental illness try their best to empathize, and those are the people we need in our lives. But itâs different. Every one of us is unique, and we have unique stories and struggles, so my depression is not like your depression. But Iâm pretty certain someone is reading this and can understand what Iâm talking about. That feeling, that itch, that you canât describe or fix.
This is all very negative so far. Honestly, being positive right now is hard for me, and if youâre going through depression right now, it might be hard for you to stay positive as well (hint: you donât need to be positive all the time, so donât hold yourself to that standard and be kind to yourself when you need to be sad for a bit). But, here is the silver lining. Your feelings, your depression, your sadness, they may be beyond words. They may be beyond your own understanding. They may feel never-ending. I donât know exactly what youâre going through, but I do know that you and I are kindred spirits.
Even if you donât have a diagnosed mental illness, even if I donât know you personally â you and I, weâre family. We are a family of people who, at times, canât understand the things they feel and go through. A family of people who are in pain and canât explain why. We are a family of people who can sit together, cry together, hold each other, and weather the storm together. We are family, we are a chosen family of people who canât really ever be fully understood by people outside of our world.
As a kindred spirit, someone going through probably one of the worst times of my life, someone who loves you and cares about you, whoever you are, I know you are stronger and braver and better than whatever challenge you are facing. You deserve everything you want and need in life right now and forever. You know how I know you have what it takes to get through this? Because you have so far, and you probably have before. You can do this. You. Can. Do. This. You will come out the other side of this. Right now, you may be in pain, and it hurts me to think about even one more person in this world feeling the way I am. Pain sucks, it really does. But thereâs nothing inside or outside you strong enough to take you out of the fight. Thereâs nothing you canât overcome. That doesnât mean you canât or shouldnât use your support system. But they are part of you and how you battle challenges. You can do anything. I may never know you, I may never see you accomplish your dreams, but I have such confidence that you will, that I can feel my depression lifting just knowing you are going to get the life you want and deserve. Keep going; I believe in you.
source https://www.programage.com/news/What_to_Know_If_Your_Depression_Feels_Beyond_Words_Right_Now_1605787224907825.html
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