
Sometimes I stop talking.
This irritates other people because it happens right at the moment when I am most expected to talk. It happens during a crisis, when Iâm distressed, when Iâm overwhelmed and teary. It happens right at the very worst possible moment because I lose the ability to communicate whatâs wrong.
I have no control over this.
No doubt that sounds illogical. Itâs my head, my brain, my tongue, my feelings. But the innate reaction of, âshut up and ship outâ is so ingrained I cannot (at this point in time) override the learned response.
I am asthmatic. Itâs not a big deal most of the time, because I donât have asthma most of the time. But on the odd occasion, I do become short of breath and asking me to engage in a hearty conversation about the pros and cons of the cable car on Mt Wellington is a taxing task and will soon become impossible.
Thatâs what emotional crises feel like to me â impossible.
When a conflict arises â and I think I can state quite confidently, I have no capacity whatsoever to deal with conflict â my body goes into instant panic attack mode. Panic attacks are well documented and fairly well known about in the general populace. These are the most common symptoms according to the Mayo Clinic:
- Sense of impending doom or danger
- Feeling of unreality or detachment
- Fear of loss of control or death
- Rapid, pounding heart rate
- Sweating
- Trembling or shaking
- Shortness of breath or tightness in your throat
- Chills
- Hot flashes
- Nausea
- Abdominal cramping
- Chest pain
- Headache
- Dizziness, lightheadedness or faintness
- Numbness or tingling sensation
I think I score 15/15 on that. Some symptoms are more immediate â like pounding heart and the feeling of unreality. Some are more subtle or may not be there â like headache and chills. If youâve ever had panic attacks you probably know the severity can vary. Iâve been attended by paramedics because of a panic attack (how humiliating), but other times Iâve calmed myself and talked myself down. So itâs not always the end of the world. But itâs not possible to talk.
If Iâve been subjected to a barrage of criticism, if Iâve ended up in a personal attack, if Iâve become consumed with catastrophizing, if my depression or anxiety has flared out of control, if Iâm afraid of the response to something Iâve said or done, if a million other scenarios appear â then I shut down and canât talk.
I want to talk. I want to tell you Iâm upset, ashamed, hurt, humiliated, shocked, confused, afraid, disappointed. I want to say I disagree with you, itâs not my fault, Iâm sorry I did that, this is my point of view, I didnât do that, can you please stop, letâs work this out. I want to ask for forgiveness, understanding, compassion, an apology, acceptance, for a hug. But my tongue is firmly attached to the roof of my mouth and my sense of the here and now has fled. Every part of my body is tensed and trying to fight for a way out. Thereâs no talking â just walking.
This is why I shut down. Itâs not anybodyâs fault and Iâm not trying to cast blame. This is my responsibility and something I work on with my ever-patient psychologist. Itâs the key reason I do dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): emotion regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal skills. Unbelievable as it may sound, Iâm actually making progress. Iâm getting better at it. But in the meantime, I want you to know that when I shut down and shut up, itâs not your fault. I donât disvalue you as a friend. I donât want anything. I canât discuss it. I need to be alone. And when my brain has had time to process and my heart has had time to stop thumping, Iâll be able to talk it through.
Right in the heat of the moment, itâs impossible.
Iâm sorry â really, truly I am â that this is an unusual and unnatural response to normal human interactions. But sometimes the things we were taught as children hang around liked a fused fart and all the willing it away makes no difference. One day, Iâll find my tongue and fight back. Right now, I need to huddle on my own and make sense of it alone. Please understand itâs not you, itâs me.
source https://www.programage.com/news/Why_Silence_Is_My_Response_to_Emotional_Crises_or_Conflict_1604763013511110.html
0 commentaires:
Enregistrer un commentaire