
Iâve lost count of the days. Iâve lost count of time, but I know itâs been a while. More than a week, more than a few. Maybe itâs been a month, maybe two, maybe three. All I know is Iâve forgotten how to feel. Iâve forgotten how to cry and how to endure pain. Iâve pushed my feelings and my issues so deep down that theyâve been buried under layers and layers of fake smiles, fake laughs, fake happiness. Or half-ass happiness. No one knows. No one sees it. I havenât mentioned it to anyone, and Iâm sure no one suspects it. Maybe they see that Iâm a little distant or a little cold, but I justify it with the same excuses â Iâm busy. Iâm tired. Iâm sorry.
Iâm sorry, but Iâve been lying. I have lied about reading the posts you have messaged me, about watching the TikToks, about listening to the songs, about reading your messages, about putting my attention and my care into what you all have handed me. I have lied about being OK because Iâve been lying to myself, too. I keep saying, âlater. Iâll deal with it later.â But later never comes and soon enough, Iâm drowning because my heart canât handle this much pain. Iâve felt so numb and I havenât been able to figure out why I feel so much pain (it turns physical when I donât accept it emotionally), but I just donât even know. I donât know what my problems are because theyâve been pushed so deep down.
All I know is that Iâve been pretending to be OK so I can avoid my pain and be more helpful to everyone around me. I donât want to put my problems on other people when I know that they have their own shit going on. But Iâve reached my breaking point. I donât know what to say or what to feel, but my chest hurts, I canât breathe, my head is throbbing and my tears are flowing but struggling. I feel alone. I feel unheard. I feel lost. I feel numb. I feel broken. The only thing I know right now is that Iâm not OK. I donât really know why or where it started or how to stop it. But I know that my lack of sleep, my desire to never leave my bed, my physical pain, my emotional numbness, my desire to self-harm and my occasional thoughts about falling asleep to never wake up arenât OK anymore.
It seems unrealistic to expect people to care about me the way I care about them. I guess you could say Iâm too selfless, dropping everything for others and pushing my own feelings and issues aside to help others. But is asking for a little support back too much to ask for? I feel lonely, I feel disregarded when I tell someone âIâm strugglingâ and they ignore my cry for help. I just want someone to hear me.
So if youâre reading this and youâve noticed that I have been giving you my all, maybe it means I have nothing left to give to myself, and I need your help and support to love myself a little again. I need your voice in my head reminding me that I can get through this again.
source https://www.programage.com/news/The_Danger_in_Pretending_to_Be_OK_as_Someone_With_Depression_1607274017306983.html
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