
My dad used to tell me this story when I was younger and struggling with my mental health. It was the story of an old man sitting around a campfire with a young boy, telling the boy about a fight between two great wolves. In the story, two great wolves, both as strong as each other, fight constantly. Sometimes, the dark wolf wins; sometimes, the light wolf wins. But, they were always fighting and you were never sure who would win. The old man stops right before the story ends and doesnât go on. The little boy grows impatient and says, âWell who wins?â The old man says, âWhichever one you feedâ.â
The two great wolves in my dadâs mind were metaphors for my inner turmoil and the daily fight I had between my dark wolf (my awful inner critic) and my light wolf (my reasonable self).
My dark wolf, my inner critic, who I now call âHorrible Habitual Harriet,â is just that â sheâs habitually horrible. After telling yourself for years, âyouâre not good enough,â your brain begins to play that song on repeat, thinking thatâs what itâs meant to say. Your brain thinks, âOh yes, this thought pattern, I know how this goes, I know what Iâm meant to do. One, two, three, everyone together now, be vicious about it. Do better, anyone could have done that better than you. God, be better, itâs not that hard, are you seriously saying you canât do better than that? That wasnât good enough, youâre not good enough, youâll never be good enough, youâre never enough.â Eventually, it gets to the point where that âdo betterâ loop could be said in your sleep.
One of my first memories of Harriet is the story my parents tell of a cross-country race I won when I was a kid. The way they remember that story gives them pride, joy and happiness to think their daughter really wanted to win something, she put in effort and did. Truth is, I remember that story very differently. I wanted to win the race because eight-year-old me told myself I wouldnât be liked by my crush if I didnât win, I wouldnât be good enough if I lost. These significant moments in my life others remember as moments of joy, effort and ultimate reward are all littered with Harriet my dark wolf saying, âcould have done betterâ in my memory.
Horrible Habitual Harriet plays on loop every day, with every choice, every achievement. She causes me to never truly be content with accomplishments. On the rare occasion I deem something an average achievement, Iâve surveyed every possible member of my family and friends to determine that, first, it is an achievement, and second, I did OK.
Iâve fought over and over with my two great wolves, nowadays with the light wolf coming out on top the majority of the time. But depending on the day, feeding Harriet my dark wolf results in questioning my achievements. It results in, âAre you seriously proud of that? What, youâre proud you got a good mark on your assignment? Anyone could have done that, I mean, are you serious? It could have been better, you could have done better, and you didnât. Wow, not good enough again, what a surprise.â
To an outsider, my achievements are really damn good ones. If someone close to me had the same achievements I did, Iâd be proud of them. For me, my achievements often have a different meaning.
You see, feeding the dark wolf is really easy, comparing myself to others makes the dark wolf almost unbeatable. Harriet gets fed day in, day out through the impossible expectations I place on myself. The irony is, I donât place these expectations on others. When others make a mistake, fail or experience an unlucky event, I have a great ability to provide immense compassion. Yet, I canât give myself an inch of compassion. When I make a mistake, I beat myself up for around three days, feeding Harriet, feeding the dark wolf. Amazingly, three days is actually a huge improvement for me.
Horrible Habitual Harrietâs favorite loop is the unlucky event loop. She knows this one the best. Unlucky events with an awful inner critic get turned into a fault of mine.
âTheyâre your fault because you could have done better, you could have prevented that, anyone could have seen that coming.â Getting rear ended turns into, âWell, you shouldnât have stopped so suddenly, clearly you were at fault here.â
Iâve been working extremely hard with my therapist to feed my dark wolf less, starting with interrupting Horrible Habitual Harriets loops. Comparison is one of the biggest feeding mechanisms for my inner critic. I hold myself to my impossible expectations, and my inner critic always wins when they can never be met. A cycle of turmoil that has no end. Although the simplest solution is clearly lowering the expectations of myself, I canât do that â I believe them all too well.
So, instead, I try comparing my expectations of myself, my self-talk and inner critic thoughts, to what I would say to a loved one. The comparison of this is hugely different. Itâs my first step in feeding my dark wolf less, giving myself a spoonful of the compassion I give to others. It takes a lot of work, will continue to take a lot of work and will probably take a lot of work for the rest of my life to feed my inner critic less. But Iâm determined to do it, Iâm determined to change the Horrible Habitual Harriet loops she knows by heart, to a loop thatâs interrupted. A loop she knows less and less of the words to.
source https://www.programage.com/news/What_It_s_Like_to_Constantly_Fight_Your_Inner_Critic_1607819413866339.html
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