
Itâs the end of the year, which means everyone, myself included, is writing about New Yearâs resolutions, change and self-improvement. Sometimes this stuff can be motivating, inspiring even, but other times, it just feels like an open invitation for shame.
Thatâs why we need to talk about how to love yourself, even as you try to change yourself.
How Black-and-White Thinking Prevents Self-Love
I struggle with something called âblack-or-white thinking.â This is pretty self-explanatory, but basically, my brain tends to skip over nuance and divide things into distinct, overly simplistic categories.
Things are âgoodâ or âbad,â I am âperfectâ or âdefective,â and there is no in-between.
This type of thinking means the entire concept of self-improvement is tricky. After all, if there are areas of my life I want to improve, then I clearly donât fall into the âperfectâ category, which means I must fall into the âdefectiveâ category. This makes me defensive and angry. I think the intellectual part of me knows this isnât true, but in my heart of hearts, it feels true.Â
As a result, I want to change but Iâm scared to admit that I need to change, so I wind up stuck.Â
I canât improve myself because that would mean admitting that Iâm defective, and if I do that, then I will get sucked into a maelstrom of self-loathing that will lead to depression.
But this black-and-white thinking also prevents me from loving myself. I canât love myself genuinely because part of me knows Iâm not perfect, which means I always feels like I actually belong in the defective category.
And how do you love something defective?
How to Love Yourself Even If Youâre Not Perfect
Iâll admit that Iâm still a little fuzzy on how to love yourself because I still really struggle with black-and-white thinking, even though Iâm aware of it. But Iâm working on it, and I have a few tips that might be able to help you too.
First, even though awareness hasnât magically fixed all my dysfunctions, being aware of those dysfunctions is hugely important. Before I recognized my black-and-white thinking, I just thought something was wrong with me, instead of realizing I simply thought something was wrong with me. That might sound like a subtle distinction, but itâs important.
Thinking something, even feeling something, doesnât necessarily make it true.Â
Still, awareness isnât the magic answer to how to love yourself. We can be aware of every last thought and feeling in our heart and soul, but that awareness on its own isnât enough to create love.Â
Hereâs some honesty: I hate my black-and-white thinking. It feels childish and silly and I thought I was too smart for such simplistic thinking. The fact that I struggle with black-and-white thinking feels like a reason not to love myself, because I donât want to be the type of person who thinks that way.Â
And as long as I think about myself this way, I will always struggle to love myself. If one undesirable thing makes you unlovable, then the only possible answer to the question of how to love yourself is to be perfect. Which brings us right back to black-and-white thinking.
So my last piece of advice is, after becoming aware of some of your problematic thinking patterns, purposefully disrupt them. For me, this means telling myself things that feel unbelievably untrue. If I mess something up, I try to tell myself, âHey, you messed that up and look at how amazing and lovable you still are.â
Basically, I am forcing my brain to at least go through the motions of a different thought pattern, even if I donât believe it. The hope is that, over time, this new type of thinking will replace the black-and-white thinking. Itâs hard, but figuring out how to love yourself is worth it, I promise.
What Does This Have to Do With New Yearâs Resolutions Again?
Right, we started this post talking about New Yearâs resolutions and self-improvement, and I definitely want to get back to that.Â
Basically, I want us all to be able to love ourselves and work on improving ourselves at the same time.
Too often, our goals are all about changing ourselves because we believe that who we are isnât good enough. We see this messaging everywhere, from the âNew Year, New Youâ slogans to the general theme of starting over that permeates the new year, as if you somehow failed the last year just because there are some things youâd like to work on in the future.
Hereâs the truth though: you will always be you. There is no ânew youâ to become, thereâs just ⦠you.
If you deal with self-loathing like me, thatâs probably really hard to read. It probably feels like Iâm telling you youâre doomed to be this same shitty person forever, but thatâs not what Iâm saying at all. Iâm saying you are who you are, always, and who you are is good and bad and everything in between.
And most of all, Iâm saying that you are worthy of love, unconditionally.
If you need a little help with self-love, I get it, and I want to help. Each week, I send out the Validation Station newsletter, which is an email that provides encouragement, commiseration and lots of GIFs. Just click the link to sign up and get a virtual hug in your inbox every week.
A version of this article was previously published on the authorâs blog, Healing Unscripted.
source https://www.programage.com/news/_1609785008869496.html
0 commentaires:
Publier un commentaire