
Many years ago, an older, wiser friend of mine said something that nested deep inside me. He said, âFriends never have to say theyâre sorry.â It was a kindness to alleviate my guilt (I donât even remember over what); I pondered it long after it did its job. The statement made profound sense to me and became a cornerstone in my definition of friendship.
Friends never have to say theyâre sorry.
Because friendships arenât only based on your actions, your words, a moment in time or even a stretch of time. Because true friendship lives in a space where apologies donât apply. Itâs about how we feel about each other.
So I donât ever need anything from you other than for you to simply exist and be you. Thatâs how youâve always held up your end, so to speak, of the relationship. I love you for you. Always have, always will.
If you need space, thatâs fine. Youâre still you, and weâre still us. If youâve got to cancel our plans last minute, thatâs fine, too. Youâre still you, and weâre still us. If even texting back is impossible for some reason, thatâs OK. Just keep being you.
You donât have to apologize. You donât even have to explain. I donât need to understand the reasoning behind your so-called âflaking.â I just need to know that our friendship is still solid, and I do.
The thing is, though, I actually do understand.
With my chronic conditions that affect my physical and mental health, and recently living through some crushing loss and grief â and significant life change â caused by the COVID-19 pandemic, Iâve done my own share of flaking and my eyes are wide open to all the whys there are out there for all the shutting down, stepping away, hiding, whatever you call it and however you do it.
Life can be too much sometimes. People can be exhausting. Taking a shower and putting on pants can be impossible. Any interaction might have you say out loud how truly terrible youâre feeling, and you donât care to hear yourself say it right now. Meanwhile, youâre entirely out of energy to pretend anymore. Maybe you just need wide open space to let your pain and grief run free and you prefer not to have anyone in it right now.
Or maybe everything is just fine. Youâve found joy and contentment. And right now that joy comes from solitude and youâd like to hold on to it.
Iâve been all these places, and none of them are flawed, immoral, hateful or hurtful. Theyâre not your fault and theyâre nothing to be ashamed of. Theyâre not even selfish. Acknowledging and minding oneâs own health, however that may look, is never selfish. Itâs how we can be our true, whole selves whom our friends love.
So flake all you want, you beautiful, complex, emotional soul. However if you do prefer to feel a little less flakey (for your own peace of mind, not for mine)â¦
I have some ideas that might help.
1. Come up with a code or system you can use to let me know how youâre feeling or that you need space. I use my Splat system because with one word I can be clear as to where Iâm at; no messy details.
2. When you do make plans, come up with A, B and C plans, with varying degrees of commitment and intensity, so that when the date comes around you can do whatever is comfortable on that day. Again, my Splat system is useful for this and Iâve got a cool tool for it in this article.
3. Try to be spontaneous. Keep your friends on the forefront of your mind and look for moments when you do feel up to interaction and reach out and see if they want to chat or hang. They may be unavailable, but theyâll feel you trying.
4. Consider ways of interacting that you normally donât do. Initiating something new may be tough at first, but you might discover something fun and less socially draining. Try a phone call. Write an email. Mail a silly card or a surprise trinket. Play a game together on an app. Binge watch the same show in your own spaces and text about it.
I just want to ask you one favor.
As you are my friend, please be your own friend. Love you for you. And live the kind of friendship with yourself where you never owe yourself an apology, as long as you are being your authentic self.
source https://www.programage.com/news/To_the_Friend_Who_s_Flaky_Because_of_Their_Mental_Health_1610481609656404.html
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